Dear Accidental Expert
Do you have a question about a problem in your relationship? Are you confused about what to do in a particular situation? Would you like the opinion of the accidental expert or of other site visitors?
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Dear Accidental Expert: I've been seeing someone for almost a year and I don't think I like him anymore. He treats other people rudely and I believe manipulates me by claiming he doesn't remember things he promises me. My attraction to him is almost gone -- now I cringe thinking about being intimate with him. We do have fun together though, what should I do?
Dear Friend: If you cringe around him, that's a sure sign it's time to go. I know I can't be intimate with someone whom I don't respect and who I believe is not being truthful with me. You may have fun with him, but is a few laughs worth your dignity and emotional health? I think you may just enjoy having a boyfriend, so my advice to you is to get away from this guy and go find another one!
Dear Accidental Expert: Me and my boyfriend has been together for almost 2 years and we are seriously thinking about getting married. But recently it seems like I get pissed off by what he says very easily and I have this feeling that he doesn’t appreciates me as much as I expect him to. I tend to be moody all the time around him, cry and get pissed a lot, and I just wanna know if it is me overreacting to whatever he says or is it because he doesn’t treat me the way I want him to?
Dear Friend: I remember having a boyfriend by whom I did not really feel loved. I remember always feeling agitated or upset or confused and as a result I was very moody. The problem was that I was not happy with him. I did not get what I needed from him even though I asked for it and he said he would supply it. I was miserable but I had feelings for him all the same and could not leave. What ended up happening was one day (after many wasted years) I finally got fed up with his mistreatment of me and disrespect, and I left him (for good this time, I'd done it many times before and gone back). What I'm saying is that I think your moods are trying to tell you something. You may feel deep down that you are not being treated properly, but unless you tell him exactly what you expect, it may not ever happen. Start with a conversation. Tell him what you need, and in the meantime try to watch yourself -- don't jump to conclusions and assume he will not support you - give him a chance. If you continue to feel the way you do, then you learned a good lesson about listening to yourself and should not marry him.
Dear Accidental Expert: I am very much in love with my longtime girlfriend but there are security issues with her that I fear will be our demise. She gets defensive and shuts me off. Her self esteem is almost non-existent. She accuses me of cheating, and checking other women out and I’m not. Please help.
Dear Friend: Unfortunately, there is really nothing one person can do to change the self-image of another, except to continue to speak positively and support her. She must want to change how she feels, and realize the consequences if she does not (e.g., your relationship, her happiness) and examine her self-esteem and then work on improving it. I suggest you again try talking to her, tell her the truth about how you feel, and point her in the direction of books and of course this website where she can begin to solve her problems.
Dear Accidental Expert: My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship and my parents think he is using me for a long distance “booty call” when he’s in town. He recently just lost his job but I don’t care because he doesn’t buy me things or send money… at the same time I don’t ask. Am I being played or what?
Dear Friend: If you are happy the way things are, then nothing is wrong, right? If you want more and you are not getting it then you may want to look at this arrangement and consider how one-sided it is. Ask yourself if you want something different than you have or have feelings for him that he may not have for you. I believe you know deep down what’s going on, even if you don’t want to give it up because it’s nice to have a guy come around once in a while. But please, don’t sell yourself short. You deserve much more.
Dear Accidental Expert: I know when you get married you are supposed to stay together "in good times and bad..." but what about going out with someone? When is enough enough? My boyfriend has been a jerk - not calling me, not making plans with me, being moody, making excuses. I keep trying to make it work but he doesn't change, what should I do?
Dear Friend: You didn't say how long you've been together, but I don't think it matters. If you are dating someone and are experiencing problems, of course, you should first try to discuss them. If he is unreceptive or rude, but then apologizes, maybe another change or two. However, if he is consistently being difficult, insensitive, uncaring, hostile - then enough is enough. Maybe you should consider the possibility he's not what you want? Think of it like this: If you take a sip out of a can of soda and don't like the taste what do you do? You may take another sip or two, and if you still don't like it, you dump it and get another one. You would't keep drinking the can of soda all the way to the end thinking the taste was going to change at various times along the way, right?
Dear Accidental Expert: I am dating a new guy and have a question. How do you know when to make the first move or to back off? Is it ok to call a guy? Help - I'm confused.
Dear Friend: This seems to be a very gray area. The things that men love the most is the chase -- so who are we to deny them that? In the beginning, I say, let him call you, let him invite you out, let him ask the questions, wonder if you are seeing other people and ask you to be "his" girlfriend. As things progress, I would still take it slow and only take an aggressive approach on occasion. Remember, if a man is interested, no matter the obstacles, he will make the time to see you and stay in your good graces.
Dear Accidental Expert: When you have broken trust, how can you get your mate to trust you again?
Dear Friend: Broken trust is very difficult to regain, but not impossible. You more or less have to take your punishment from your mate - meaning answer his or her questions, clear up suspicions, verify where you've been, etc. over and over again for an unknown period of time (until your mate feels comfortable again). Once you have been consistently honest for a period of time, your mate will relax a little and slowly believe what you are telling him/her. During this delicate time, do not under any circumstances, hold anything back or lie about anything, because if they learn about something you didn't tell them, you may never be trusted again. So if he or she is willing to give their mate a chance, they have to talk about what is expected of them. The one who was hurt has to tell the other one that they will have to answer any and all questions without complaining until the trust is back - and like I said there is really no telling how long that could be -- but if you want the relationship, you gotta do the work!
Dear Accidental Expert: I am dating a man who has told me from the beginning he isn't looking for anything serious, he wants someone to hang out with from time to time and if it goes any further than that, that is fine, but he isn't looking for something serious. I'm just curious to know what your thoughts are.
Dear Friend: It's funny because lately I've been hearing about this same situation a lot. The thing is - I've found that a lot of women are having relationships with men who say they just want to have fun - or who aren't looking for something serious, etc. These women say "ok" and spend time with these men, but inside are really hoping the guy will fall in love/change his mind meanwhile feeling hurt, confused and used. This may happen, but when it doesn't the woman is always hurt because she wanted more (right from the start) and it's really not the man's fault if he tells you from the start he's not looking for a relationship. I think women should be honest with men. You deserve a nice man who treats you right, who you have fun with, who respects you, and who loves you back. If this guy doesn't want that then move on. You'd be amazed at how good it will feel to take control of your life even if for a moment you may feel sad.
Dear Accidental Expert: I am 49 years old, have been married twice and for seven years didn't date anyone. One year and a half ago I started dating a man I had known of since I was in high school. We only would see each other once a week, because he was extremely hurt in his divorce that happened over six years ago. Just this week he told me, he wasn't for sure what he felt and that he thought by now he would feel more. I am crushed by this because for the first time in my life I thought I had found my soulmate. I know feel like I am losing my best friend. He says at times he wants more and then at times he doesn't. I am so confused. My gut aches, my heart hurts. I hate myself because I allowed myself to feel something again. My first response was there someone else and he said no. That is my first response because both of my previous husbands were unfaithful. I have done everything right that I felt like I didn\'t do in the first two marriages. What can I do?
Dear Friend: First of all -- do not hate yourself. If anything, you've done a great thing. You actually opened yourself and your heart to another person and to love is a great thing. It does, however, make us vulnerable and in that state we can get hurt. I don't think that in this case, he is hurting you on purpose though. My first reaction is that HE needs therapy. If he is still not over a 6 year old divorce, then he is holding on to the past and I think those old feelings and thoughts and images are tainting his mind and not allowing him to see this relationship for what it is -- good or bad. He says he doesn't know what he wants and goes back and forth because he gets confused and thinks one way with one mood, and then gets afraid or expects something else and feels differently. I think he really needs to sort out his past in order to make any relationship with any woman work. You, on the other hand, don't have to put up with this -- after all this time I am concerned that you've settled for once a week, when you want more. If that is the case you should examine the whole thing -- what else are you settling for with this man? Just because you thought he was your soulmate does not make it so -- I thought that three times and put up with so much crap for nothing. Now I am with someone who fits and can clearly see the difference! Don't worry so much about what he is thinking and start thinking about what you deserve and are entitled to. You should expect the truth, love, kindness, and for a man to move in the same direction as you -- if that is not happening it may not be the right man. Also, let me ask you something -- what does your gut tell you? Do you feel there is someone else -- really? Our little bellies tell us so much and so often we choose to ignore those feelings. Think about this too -- you went 7 years without dating and maybe that's why you're holding on so tight - because you think he is your last chance -- well, he is not I can assure you. You found him and if you are a loving and willing person, you will find someone else. I have a feeling that if you decided to let him go and do whatever he had to do -- he would be back after realizing what he lost. And if he didn't come back then he was never really with you in the first place. But the main thing is to think about yourself now and realize that he is not your last chance at love. Think about this stuff -- write it down and look at it. Be truthful with yourself. Take it easy and let go of the reins a little.
Dear Accidental Expert: How do you let the past go, his past relationships, and mine so they dont get into the present (ours)?
Dear Friend: I think the first thing you have to do is trust each other. You have to know - in your gut - that the other person is not going back to anyone no matter what. Without trust you don't have anything. And if you don't feel that then you better work on that issue. Secondly, as much as possible, eliminate the people from the past from all conversation. Unless there are children involved and someone has to speak to an ex with regard to them, that should be the only topic of conversation. There should be no need for contact with those people or talk about them other than for the benefit of children. Next, forget-about-it! Who cares about the past people -- obviously those were not the right people for either of you or else you would still be with them. Try to think of those people as "practice" relationships and yours as "the real thing." If you go to a place one of you has been before - keep it to yourself - and just enjoy this new experience with your partner. Also, you may want to make one another feel secure in the relationship by showing support - remind each other how you feel and that you are glad to be together here and now, and not with those other people. One thing I always say to my fiancé is that "I would not be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through all of the experiences I did in the past. I was not the same person years ago, so I was not ready for you -- and we probably wouldn't have made it." Lastly, I think you need to set some goals together and make some history. As time passes, you will have your own memories and pictures together and little by little, those reminders of other people will fade away.
Dear Accidental Expert: I've recently gotten myself involved with a newly-divorced man and he seems to already be rushing things by telling me how he feels and wanting to see me constantly, but I have a busy life. Is he for real? Should I worry about this?
Dear Friend: Well, the word is not "worry" but do be cautious. It sounds like you want to take things slow (and you should!) so make plans at your own pace. Also, unconsciously he may be trying to replace his ex-wife quickly so he's not lonely, although I'm sure he is just feeling excited to have someone new and wants to grab you while this feeling lasts (and before you get away). If you care for him, pay him the proper compliments and appreciate what he does for you, but also make sure you are truthful about your feelings. With time, things will even out and you will be able to see if he really does have deep affection for you and you for him. Until then, let him establish a life on his own and learn to do some things for himself and to be patient! Don't let him smother you or annoint you into the role of "wife" even before you are one!
Dear Accidental Expert: My problem is that I have a friend who is involved with a real jerk. He cheats on her and can be rude and obnoxious. Most of her friends can't stand him, but she will just not leave him. She believes all his lies and thinks he will change. I want to just tell her to smarten up but am afraid. What should I do?
Dear Friend: You are really in a difficult situation and any decision you make may have consequences. What I say is that if she is a good friend and comes to you for advice - tell her the truth -- not just what you think, but what you KNOW. Tell her the facts, and then let her make up her own mind. All you can do is be there for your friends if and when they need you -- and it sounds like she will need you at some point, but who knows? I once told a friend (who came to me) what I thought of her fiance who began blatantly cheating on her a week before their wedding -- and everyone knew it. He began openly seeing someone else! Can you believe that? When she asked me what to do, of course my answer was "dump him" but she did not. She carried on with the wedding because "everything was already planned and money was spent." Well, today they are still married, but happily - I doubt it. Of course, after the wedding she did not speak to me any longer and he hated me because she told him what I said. And that's ok with me because I could not find it within myself to lie to someone I cared about - no matter what the outcome.
DEAR ACCIDENTAL EXPERT: THE WOMAN I LIKE IS A FRIEND OF MINE AND SAYS THAT SHE WILL NEVER GO OUT WITH ME -- BUT TALKS VERY WELL ABOUT ME TO OTHERS AND IS VERY MUCH INTERESTED IN HOW I DRESS. SHE EVEN GOES OUT AND BUYS CLOTHES FOR ME AND SHE CONSTANTLY TELLS ME TO GO TO THE GYM. WHY IS SHE SO INTERESTED IN THESE THINGS BUT WILL NOT GO OUT WITH ME? IS SHE ATTRACTED TO ME? WHAT DO YOU THINK? (edited)
Dear Friend: Honestly, it sounds like she's very interested in some parts of you -- like your kindness, generosity, sense of humor, etc. but is trying to change other parts -- your wardrobe, physique, etc. I think one person has to accept another person for their whole package -- if she was in love with you, she would. On the other hand, by her mentioning those things to you, it looks as though she wants you to change some things about yourself in the hope that her feelings will change toward you -- which is somewhat superficial and probably would not make her change her feelings in the long run, especially if she is hung up on the frivolous stuff. It's better to find someone who loves you for yourself!
DEAR ACCIDENTAL EXPERT: I met a guy about a week ago while I was out with some friends at a bar. We seemed to hit it off and he took my number and said he'd call. A day or so after we met, he called my cell phone late one night but didn't leave a message (I saw the caller ID and think it was him). Do you think it's okay for me to call him? Do you think he lost my number? Some of my friends tell me to call him and others tell me not to. (edited)
Dear Friend: I know it may be very hard not to pick up that phone, but I don't think you should. If he is interested, he will call again -- if he's not, he won't. And why would he call you in the middle of the night - why not leave a message? Why not try to reach you at normal hours and ask you out on a proper date? If he was smart enough to dial your phone number once, he can again - it's probably obtainable in his cell phone records anyway -- so if he really wanted to call -- well, you know. I say, don't waste your time with losers, liars, game-players, or moochers. Get out there and enjoy yourself -- try not to make going out with friends about meeting someone -- you will meet someone of quality when the time is right.
DEAR ACCIDENTAL EXPERT: You know when you've ended a relationship and you absolutely know that person is not good for you -- then they call and you get that "feeling" in your stomach that hurts and makes you feel like you want to go back and be with them? You know that things are not going to change, so why do you feel like you want to go back? How do you get rid that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach?
Dear Friend: I know that feeling well, and it's awful. Unfortunately, if your heart's been bruised or broken, there's no real way around the pain. On the other hand, there are a couple of things to consider. First, author Warren Berland, PhD tells us that it's our egos that can lead us back to someone or something that is bad for us. It seems that our egos will do anything to be satisfied, like send us those stupidly romantic second-thoughts -- even if it has to do with something or someone we've given up for our own good. In other words, while your mind is made up to leave him, and your heart aches, your ego wants some stroking so it's telling you to go back [to him] and get some comfort and attention! But don't do it. Be strong and tell it "NO" (out loud)! Secondly, something else that will help a great deal is to make a list of the things that he did that really hurt you -- not little, unimportant things, but things that really bothered you and/or made you stop and consider leaving him at the time. Then read the list and allow yourself to feel the anger again. This should soon make you associate him with that anger and not so much heartache. Then, read it and read it and read it. How dare he disrespect you! Who does he think he is? Aren't you now glad you're not stuck with him for life?!? And the next time he calls, you'll be better prepared (keep the list handy) and remember that none of those things are gonna really change -- so use your common sense and hang up! That should help you to see things a little clearer and perhaps rip those rose-colored glasses off -- the ones we women loooooove to wear!
Dear Accidental Expert: I have been with my boyfriend for a very long time and he still goes out and parties a lot without me. I'm left at home a lot while he goes out (drinking) with his friends. How can I make him stop and GROW UP?!?
Dear Friend: I know that men and women mature at different stages, but at some point you have to ask yourself is this what you really want? Do you tell him how you feel about his late nights and being left alone? How does he respond to your talks? First of all you have to let him know how you feel - in a calm, sensible manner, and not in the middle of a fight. Pick a night when you are together to discuss the situation rationally. You have to figure out what each of you really wants -- are you a homebody, while he is a party animal? Are you open to going out with him - and are you invited? After your talk, you have some thinking to do. Carefully consider the reality of the ways things are between you and where you think things are heading. If you truly don't see your lives coming together - and if you are unhappy -- I say don't waste time. Life is too short. Set some goals, make your plans, and move on if things continue like this and if he doesn't care or love you enough to change. |
