The Accidental Expert!

My adventure began by talking with friends, friends of friends, co-workers, and even welcoming strangers in line at the bank.  I asked waitresses in restaurants what their gripes were about men and eavesdropped on the conversations of other women in ladies’ rooms everywhere!  I solicited information from anyone who looked like he or she would talk to me.

Once I began interviewing women, I could immediately see a problem.  I found that most of us still fell into the role of “martyr” (like our mothers) as we habitually put everyone else’s needs before our own, which made me wonder how that affected us emotionally and what kind of fall-out would result from those feelings.  I decided that my first step was to examine how we as women treat ourselves.  I discovered that most of us don’t take the time or know how to give our spirits, minds, and bodies what they require so that we may feel and live life to its fullest.   When we don’t properly care for ourselves, how can we possibly do it properly for those we are supposed to love?  It’s like expecting a starving person to feed someone else! 

I continued my research by asking women and men about the complexities of their relationships.  Most men expressed concerns about sex (lack of or decrease in) and felt that they were misunderstood a lot in both their words and actions.  One man told me, “We’re not complicated.  Men are simple” (a statement which later made a lot of women laugh).  I talked to women about their most recurrent problems, listened to many stories in which they described being emotionally hurt by men, and took notice of the similarities as they questioned (as well as became exasperated by) some of the things men do, like “not listening when I talk” and “leaving everything for me to do.”  What I realized was that most relationships were full of assumptions, misunderstandings, and confusion.  (Oy vey!  I had my work cut out for me.)

I then sought to identify the ways women and men routinely communicate, share their lives, and love one another.  To begin this examination, I read a lot about the psychological and social aspects of interpersonal relationships, which piqued my curiosity as to what real people like me were going through.  I spoke with women in the salon and in elevators, men waiting in line at the lunch place, and people on the train going into and out of the city.  An invitation to “tell me a story” went out to my contacts via e-mail, including a request that they forward it to their associates and acquaintances.  I sent my friends to their social engagements armed with questions and notebooks so they could gather information for my research.  I distributed surveys (via e-mail and by hand) to any man or woman who would take one (along with some extras to distribute to their friends, as well).  On the surveys, I asked them what qualities they looked for in their partners, what feelings they experienced most in their relationships (happy, jealous, confused, etc.) and what they would most want the opposite sex to know.  Interestingly, many men surveyed admitted to feeling insecure in relationships, and a lot of women wanted men to make them a bigger priority in their lives. 

    I looked for hard data to support my findings by scanning medical journals, university studies, news articles, books, and magazines on the subject of love and relationships (there are a gazillion, by the way).  It became clear that biology as well as environment had a lot to do with how men and women feel and behave (i.e., some things are instinctual; some are learned).  I attended seminars and listened to experts give their best advice on how to improve relationships; some chose to examine behavior and advise couples how to compromise, while others advocated looking inward to their spiritual side for answers. 

Once my research materials overtook my spare room, I decided it was time to organize and categorize my data.  After many months of reading and analyzing all of the valuable information I had collected (as well as testing out pieces of advice and ways of behaving on my friends and my poor, bewildered fiance!), I was able to determine the enormous impact of self-esteem on relationships and determine the most common problems in daily life, to identify the ineffective approaches used by men and women in the past, and then uncover new ways of dealing with those problems that would produce the best possible outcome.  Soon you will see fruits of my labor!

Are Our Young Women In Trouble?

Today's Illusionary Icons

by Audrey Valeriani

          My generation grew up watching Mary Tyler Moore proudly hold her own in the boorish business world, Edith innocently defy Archie’s intolerance, and Maude argue for social reform.  We read about the “women’s movement” in Cosmopolitan magazine, while Cher broke new ground with her unabashed sexuality.  Over the years, the struggles of our older sisters made it possible for us to open doors, to attain more than they had, to soar.  As we grew up, we dreamed of meeting our Prince Charming, but we also envisioned working in the city or becoming a doctor or a lawyer.  Indeed, over the years we made important strides in our quest for equality with men in business and in society, but what about in relationships? 

Science tells us that women’s domesticity and nurturing qualities are instinctive, however, we also learned ways of thinking and interacting with others from our mothers, who had, of course, learned from their mothers.  But what had we learned?  Thirty years ago, most of us saw our mothers cater to our fathers, while dismissing their own ideas, and neglecting themselves.  They did what was expected of them, but were they happy?  As one woman said, “I’ll never forget that look on my mother’s face… she couldn’t have been happy.”  We told ourselves that things would be different in our relationships, and they are, to some extent.  But had the freedom and independence that had finally bubbled to the surface made us wiser and more connected to our inner selves, or did it just give us more outside choices?  Had those achievements influenced our roles as loving and lovable companions?    

            In discussing this subject with women as young as thirteen and as old as never mind, I could see that the older women who had been influenced by our pioneer sisters, knew how important individuality and respect were to women.  The younger ones, however, seemed to demonstrate the same self-effacing behavior as in years past, putting the needs and desires of men ahead of their own.  This new breed of female seemed unprepared, naïve, and oblivious to what women before us had accomplished.  Accordingly, if how we think and behave is a result of what we were taught and exposed to as children, what does that tell us about girls growing up today? 

Have you noticed how obsessed most young women appear to be with having the best body, face, and hairstyle?  Why is physical “perfection” such a priority today?  Could it be the dozens of makeover and plastic surgery shows on television or the constant marketing of products consuming the airwaves and billboards, luring our young women with false promises of happiness and everlasting love, and almost hypnotizing them into buying their magical potions and gadgets -- look like your favorite movie star, and have a wonderful life!  Those kinds of deceitful messages are shameful and potentially harmful to women who try futilely to reach the media’s ideal archetype.  Our young women need to believe that they don’t have to look, think, or behave like the rich and famous, or do what the so-called “trendsetters” dictate just so advertisers and retailers can make a buck.   

I am also concerned that a lot of girls feel they need to have a man (actually, a boy) in their lives in order to feel complete.   Part of the reason is age -- the dawn of hormones -- but could it also be a result of reality shows where a dozen women compete for one man by using any means necessary?  These shows have turned meeting and winning the heart of a man (a/k/a “falling in love”) into a spectator-driven, cut-throat event featuring ruthless women who act as if men were almost extinct! 

Now, I admit that as young girls we wanted to have boyfriends and we wore makeup (remember that black eyeliner and blue eye shadow?), but I also remember that all of that was just a part of our lives as budding young women.  We were also curious about the world, about finding out who we were, and what we would become. 

One reason for the somewhat distorted thinking of young women today could be that the world around them is not teaching them about integrity, confidence, or self-esteem.  Parents today work really hard and can only hope that their children will listen to their words of wisdom and experience.  It’s a losing battle when young women are then bombarded by self-serving, deceptive messages emanating from the media around them. 

Please know that when I state my case I am not advocating censorship here.  Nor am I in favor of producing a class of male-hating women -- far from it.  I am talking about taking responsibility for teaching our young people the difference between what is true and appropriate for them in real life, and what is put out there for “shock value” and entertainment purposes.  We need to spread the word to our young women that they have a choice not to be that woman in the video dancing half naked and that they will still get a boyfriend (and one of better quality).  We have to tell them that it’s okay to refrain from using (and listening to) offensive and disgusting language, and that Britney and Christina are dressed like that because they are on stage (not in a classroom), and that yes, blow jobs are sex! 

 We have to teach our little sisters how to be comfortable in their own skin by shouting Be kind to yourself!  Don’t obsess about your looks or berate yourself because you’re not model-thin.  As women, we are our harshest critics and hold ourselves to ridiculous standards.  Be independent!  Don’t just     say, “Wouldn’t it be nice to…”  Do it!  Set limits!  Don’t let anyone mistreat you -- stand up for yourself and keep your word.   Express your appreciation!  When we embrace gratitude and humility, even more goodness and love comes to us.   Listen to your inner voice!  Don’t be someone who jumps to conclusions, but if you have that “feeling” deep down, don’t ignore it -- trust your instincts.  Believe in yourself!  Decide what you want, go after it whole-heartedly, and stay committed.  Let ‘em see your joy!  Joy comes through in our smiles and our eyes, and enables us to attract even more love into our lives.  Remember, what you give out, you get back.

CELEBRITY TAKES A STAND ON THE WEIGHT ISSUE

Most recently, it was reported in a British magazine that she has been seeing a diet specialist in Los Angeles - a claim she is furiously denying. 

The allegations, which were printed in the glossy magazine Grazia, are "completely untrue," Winslet told reporters on the red carpet at the BAFTA awards in London on Sunday.

"I'm going to fight for myself. I don't want people thinking that I would ever go to a diet doctor, I would ever buy into that stuff," Winslet, who is nominated for a Best Actress Oscar for her role in Little Children, told a BBC radio interviewer. "I never have done, I never will."

Last week, Grazia printed a story alleging that the actress visited the Chinese Healing Institute in Santa Monica to help with neck pain, and also to lose weight.

On Monday, attorneys for the actress at Schillings law firm in London said proceedings for libel were being issued. Winslet's rep, Sara Keene, underlined her client's feelings, saying: "Kate is angry and upset about it because it is an issue she feels very strongly about. She will be issuing legal proceedings. She wants to get the message out there."

Winslet, a mother of two, has become well known for not bowing to the trend for super-skinny actresses, and is often heralded as a role model for her stance.

"I will continue to say what I feel about this issue of women being thin and emaciated. It's just out of control," she said Sunday. "I know I'm a role model to young women. It's a role that I take very, very seriously and I would never want anyone to ever think I was a hypocrite in doing something like going to a diet doctor, for goodness sake. I mean, it's really, really ridiculous."

In 2005, Winslet told PEOPLE for the annual Most Beautiful issue, "I know that I have a real woman's figure. It's nice that it's acknowledged and appreciated, that I refuse to conform. I don't starve myself."

(People Magazine, February 2007)

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Celebrities are Helping with Low Self-Esteem

It's hard to dispute that Mexican actress Salma Hayek appears to be the perfect physical package. But the brunette star has an important message: true beauty comes from the inside. That message is being applauded by Hey U.G.L.Y., the nonprofit organization that helps teens with self-esteem issues.

According to Hayek, "In my world, you have to be so beautiful, so skinny, so famous - and I don't believe you really have to be any of those things. You simply have to be who you are. You're not more important, smarter, or prettier because you wear a designer dress."

It's a lesson Hayek feels so strongly about that she is now producing it for the small screen with "Ugly Betty" on ABC. The show tells the story of Betty Suarez, a young woman trying to fulfill her dream of a career in the publishing world of high fashion. Betty has one problem: she's not thin and she is not beautiful. But is that really a barrier to her success? Betty, played by Hispanic actress America Ferrera, sets out to prove that it is not. Using intelligence, kindness and hard work Betty finds a way to achieve her goals.

"It's so reassuring to have a woman heroine who triumphs with more than just what she has on the outside... who has more to offer the world than just a pretty picture," says Ferrera, the 22-year-old star of "Real Women Have Curves" and "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, on a recent Oprah show. "To me, the tragedy about this whole image-obsessed society is that young girls get so caught up in just achieving that they forget to realize that they have so much more to offer the world."

"I felt Ugly Betty many, many, many times," Hayek revealed on Oprah. "You know I'm very short so when I was growing up people made fun of me as if it was like a birth defect, a deformity ... like I belonged in a circus or something. I think we all have something that people point out to you especially when you are growing up when you're a kid and then you point it out to yourself nonstop."

"It is important to remember that many celebrities have dealt with issues of low self-esteem just like Hayek and Ferrera," said Hey U.G.L.Y.'s founder, Betty Hoeffner, who is now being called the original 'U.G.L.Y. Betty.' "That's why we put quotes from celebrities who have confronted low self-esteem on our website. Teens find it inspirational and it helps them feel that they are not alone. One teen, who was being teased about her weight by classmates, wrote to us saying the celebrity quotes on our site helped her feel 'cool' about who she was."

"All of us have felt like Ugly Betty's in our life and we at Hey U.G.L.Y. are dedicated to helping teens focus on their inner qualities and strengths," said Hoeffner. Since 2003, she has been president of Hey U.G.L.Y. (acronym for Unique, Gifted, Lovable YOU!), whose mission is to empower teens with self-esteem building tools. (Check out www.heyugly.org) They have just finished the nation's first 16-week self-esteem building curriculum. It is called 'eM-POWER' and they are making it available to junior high and high schools; Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts; and Boys & Girls Clubs across the country, for free.

"It's time for teens and young women to start focusing on their inner qualities and strengths," said Ferrera. "I think Hispanic women are beautiful with their curves. I'm not sure who feels that way in Hollywood. If they think that, they just don't bother with you. You just don't get the role and you never know why. That's still better than physically harming yourself and becoming unhealthy just to star in a movie."

Hey U.G.L.Y. agrees with Ferrera's philosophy; just look at where she is now.

Story written by: Lisa Barron a freelance journalist and Chicago based reporter for People Magazine.

UPDATE: 

Did you know that your level of self-esteem can influence your potential to exercise and vice versa?

Research done on certain groups of adolescent and adult women proved that “maximal exercise showed acute increases in fatigue and self-esteem, and decreased tension and vigor.” 

For those women in the research study who were part of the walking group, they found an increase in self-esteem, but for those women who did not walk, there was evidence of a “significant” decrease in self-esteem.   So those that exercised were tired but felt great and less stressed, while those who did not still felt badly about themselves! 

These are a few of the topics I discussed with Fitness Guru John Basedow at Book Expo NYC!

 John's Book: Fitness Made Simple